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The Best of Times Short Story Competition


Autumn 2022 Results




Beefy's Glass Eye

Copyright © Geoff Covey 2022


There were two things that people noted very quickly about David Palmerstone, his bulk and his glass eye.

He was very stockily built, not much fat, almost all muscle. Hence he had been called ‘Beefy’ since his mid-teens.

Almost as quickly as they took in his size, people noticed his glass eye – noticed it quickly because it didn’t match his good eye and was not a good fit. When Beefy lost an eye, he was horrified at the cost of a custom-made one. Instead, he spent a lot less money obtaining a pre-owned one (somehow ‘second-hand’ doesn’t seem appropriate usage here). The fact that its colour was only vaguely similar to his real eye didn’t bother him much. More importantly, it was too small and would pop out occasionally. Beefy was willing to put up with this in return for the cash saving. In time he even took advantage of it every now and then.

In his early twenties, Beefy joined his local Rugby club, the Pirates. and soon became a key member of his team. His bulk was useful, but was largely negated by his limited skill. What really made him useful was his glass eye.

If he was well into the opposing team’s end and was tackled, he would quickly get rid of the ball and let his glass eye drop out. The tackler and any of his team-mates nearby would be horrified and stop playing while they recovered their nerves. In the meantime, Beefy’s colleagues would have scored a try while their opponents were distracted. On a good day, against a squeamish team, Beefy could repeat this trick two or three times.

Less often used, but even more effective when it was, was ‘losing’ his eye. If the Pirates were leading by just a small margin with just a short time to go, and the other team was playing strongly, then it was time for Beefy to come into action.

A tackle on him, or even a slight bump from a member of either team and out would come his eye. This time he would wail that he had lost it. The game would come to a halt and members of both teams would rummage in the mud until it was eventually found – usually very close to Beefy’s foot. At best, a lot of time would be wasted (but what referee could call searching for someone’s eye time wasting?). At worst, the opponents would have lost their impetus and the Pirates would cling to their slender lead.

So far, all well and good.

The problem came after the game. As you may know, for most amateur Rugby clubs, the actual game is not that important; the real reason for turning out was the drinks in the clubhouse afterwards. Here Beefy’s poor-fitting eye became a liability.

He would be chatting, perhaps with a member of the opposing team, or perhaps with someone’s pretty girlfriend when he would receive a slap on the back, or just be jostled in the crowd. Out would pop his eye, and as often as not land in the drink of the person he was talking to. Many potential friendships and seductions came to a sudden end this way.

Beefy decided that the best solution was to take his glass eye out after the game. But what to do with it?

At first he tried putting it in his pocket, but when retrieved it would be covered with bits of fluff or fragments of old toffee and very uncomfortable to wear.

He then tried leaving it on various out of the way ledges, but someone would knock it down when they stood a drink there, or simply purloin it as a joke. For the opposing team this seemed a fair exchange for Beefy’s not entirely sporting conduct earlier in the day. For Beefy it was just a nuisance.

He explained his problem to the Captain, and even said he might have to quit the team – a dreadful threat!

"Come with me," said the Captain, and led Beefy off to the corner of the room where the club’s meagre trophies were displayed – this was sacred ground to Pirates and visitors alike.

Pride of place was a gilded ancient Rugby ball on a stand. No one dared touch this as it had been used by the one former member of the club who had made the big time. Over the years, the ball had gradually lost its inflation ad there was now a distinct hollow in the top. The Captain took the glass eye from Beefy and carefully placed it in this hollow.

"No-one will touch it there," he assured Beefy. "From now on, when we are having drinks, just keep your eye on the ball!"