Many writers have shared their thoughts with the public:

"There is something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You never quite know where they'll take you." - Beatrix Potter

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." - Anaïs Nin

"Sharing your writing, being enlarged by others' writing, is what makes you feel famous." - Gretchen Bernabei

"Writing is not an amusing occupation. It is a combination of ditch-digging, mountain-climbing, treadmill and childbirth." - Edna Ferber

"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing." - Ben Franklin

"One must be drenched in words, literally soaked in them, to have the right ones to form themselves into the proper pattern at the right moment." - Hart Crane

"There are three rules for writing. Unfortunately, no one can agree what they are." - W. Somerset Maugham

Cosmic Cleansing

“Hello, hello. Is anybody there?”

“I think so.
I'll just look in the mirror.
Yes, yes, I am here.”

“Are you there?”

“Yes, yes, I have already said that. I am here and you are there.”

“Oh right. Well, I am calling . . .”

“Yes.”

“From Cosmic Cleaning Products. About the vacuum you purchased from us last week sir.”

“I beg your pardon young lady, why on earth would I purchase a vacuum? I abhor a vacuum, I always have.”

“A vacuum cleaner, sir.”

“What on earth are you talking about? There is nothing to clean within a vacuum. Nothing at all. Absolutely nothing. Do they teach no physics at school these days?
I repeat, young lady, a vacuum is inherently clean. Its nothingness is in its nature. It would be quite pointless to clean nothing.”

“Sir, sir, I am ringing from the wholesaler.”

“What!? An establishment that sells holes. Holes and vacuums and dubious products to clean such?
This is preposterous! Is this a joke, madam?
Some scam - is that what they call it? I have heard of such underhand methods to rob the vulnerable and venerable. Are you attempting to fleece an old man?”

“No sir, I am ringing . . .”

“You are posing as a bell now?”

“Please sir, please calm down. It is the vacuum, sir. That is why I ring. The vacuum.”

“This vacuum you suggest I had the stupidity to purchase.”

“Yes sir. Now it is a matter of some embarrassment. You see it's just you . . . “

“Bless you.”

“Pardon?”

“Did you not just sneeze?”

“No sir, I did not. Now please bear with me.”

“Bare with you madam? This is most improper. We have never met, but I suspect I am old enough to be your grandfather. Would you make such a suggestion to him or, lord forbid, your own father? Let me make myself clear. I would never disrobe myself with someone whose only contact is a telephone call. Possibly random at that. Are you an escort? Are you a brazen hussy touting?”

“How dare you sir! How dare you?
I am respectable. Engaged in a respectable job. And furthermore I have a good mind to despatch my fiancé to your address!”

“Oh, oh, oh!
I misunderstood. Misread. Please, please forgive.”

“I am only doing my job.”

“Look. Oh you can't of course, not on the telephone. But I am grovelling, I am on my knees before my telephone table, seeking your absolution.”

“Sir, sir, that is not necessary. Pull yourself together. Now please, please listen to me.”

“I'm all ears! Metaphorically, of course.”

“Now sir, back to the vacuum cleaner.”

“Oh that again. You really are a most persistent young thing. Your tenacity must be a great asset to your sellers of holes.”

“Sir, you paid with a cheque.”

“So you say.”

“That cheque, sir, was void.”

“Well what would you expect? Only a void would be of use in purchasing a clean vacuum from a hole seller. Besides, of what value is a vacancy? Can you answer me that?”

“Sir, we must have payment, or we will be forced to repossess.”

“What? Repossess the purported vacuum?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well! Good luck to you there. How on earth are you going to find it? Tell me that. How do you find something that lacks existence? Hmm? Do you possess some form of anti-matter detector? I am not an outdated old fool, madam. I would not be at all surprised if such a thing existed. Unlike this vacuum you seem to be so obsessed with!”

“Sir, would you please be reasonable.”

“Reason? You talk to me of reason? You call me out of the blue, telling me I would be mad enough to waste my finances on a chimera . . .”

“Sir, this is LUSCO SUPREME . . .”

“What?”

“The vacuum cleaner, sir.”

“Ah ha, how typical. You people think that by bestowing this emptiness with a fancy Latin title you can bring it into existence. That, madam, is intellectual hubris!”

“Please sir, this is a serious issue . . .”

“Bless you.”

“Pardon?”

“You sneezed again.”

“I most certainly did not, sir. Now sir . . .”

“Sir, sir, sir. Are you bestowing a knighthood on me? Is this the purpose of the call?”

“Please sir, please. This must be resolved, or I will have no option but to consult our legal department.”

“Whoops.
Hang on a moment, I have dropped the phone.
Ah, here it is under the couch. How terribly dusty. I really must do something about that.
Hello, hello, young lady. I am here. Hello.
What were we talking about? Hello, I am here. Are you there?
Oh dear, dear. We seem to have been cut off.
Hello, hello, are you there?
Where are you?
The line is dead.
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Absolutely nothing.”