Many writers have shared their thoughts with the public:

"There is something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You never quite know where they'll take you." - Beatrix Potter

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." - Anaïs Nin

"Sharing your writing, being enlarged by others' writing, is what makes you feel famous." - Gretchen Bernabei

"Writing is not an amusing occupation. It is a combination of ditch-digging, mountain-climbing, treadmill and childbirth." - Edna Ferber

"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing." - Ben Franklin

"One must be drenched in words, literally soaked in them, to have the right ones to form themselves into the proper pattern at the right moment." - Hart Crane

"There are three rules for writing. Unfortunately, no one can agree what they are." - W. Somerset Maugham

The Mattress

When I bought my mattress five years ago, why I didn’t follow the example of my very practical friends only hindsight knows? Hmph…hindsight! Always so knowing and smug. My friends…the practical ones…each decided one day, ‘Oh I need a new mattress’. So off they went one sunny Saturday morning to Captain Snooze. Or Dreamland. Or was it Snoozeland? Maybe it was Captain Dream or Forty Blinks. Anyway, one of those mega bedding stores that promises, you will find your comfortable in their unique store.

My two very annoying friends have never met one another and yet somehow, they recall a similar story. They arrived in the store, made a quick reconnaissance of the area, did the required pre-purchase testing, and within minutes had decided. Just like that! Can you believe it? One friend, let’s call her Diane, because that’s her name, with barely a blink says to the sales assistant, “Yep! That’s the one. How soon can you deliver it?“ Decided. Paid for. Delivery arranged.

My other friend, Cheryl, yes, also her name, first mattress she tries envelopes her like a cloud. Another flash decision. No comparing with other mattresses. No thoughts for future comfort after a couple of years wear and tear. No asking the assistant to lie on the other side. I mean, what if you’re in bed with someone else? You don’t want to be rocked out onto the floor the first time he or she turns over. No, none of that. My friends know what they want. Decisions are easy. They probably have more time for fun in the bed because, unlike me, they’re not researching every detail of every purchase ever made. I mean, even my son when buying his mattress had it purchased and was back home before I’d even had breakfast. I was particularly late that morning because I’d stayed in bed researching.

What is it with these people? This is a ten-year commitment! You wouldn’t choose a pet or a car that quickly. Would you? You can’t take it back if you’re not happy after one night. Or two weeks. What if it’s gone soft after 12 months? And how is it that so many people are buying mattresses at the same time anyway? No, this decision required considerable aforethought. My new mattress would not be rushed. Years of comfort floated before my eyes. Ahh….my mattress. The piece de resistance! Or the piece of rubbish as it turns out.

My mattress is special. Some might say like me, but let’s not go there. When I thought about buying a new mattress I had a lot to consider. First there were the obvious considerations: inner spring - pocket or bonnell? Memory foam or latex rubber? Or a combination? Thickness? Density? Pillow-top or flat? Gel-infused cooling layer or not? Or the latest in all things amazing…mattress in a box! Yes, you heard right. This new piece of science fiction is delivered by post and left on your front doorstep, Tardis-like. Apparently, it’s then an easy task to single-handedly shuffle it into the bedroom, hoist it onto the bed and, with a quick slit of the box (watch that slitting), out it pops and unfolds ready made with fresh linen. Well, the bed linen part is not actually true, but it turns out these miraculous mattresses can also be returned and changed for a different version if the buyer is not 100% satisfied, contrary to my earlier assumptions. What are these companies doing to us? The whole affair is bordering on torture with all this choice. Speaking of Choice, which we won’t because it’s a brand name, but if we were, I’d tell you about their very rigorous testing methods on almost any product one could ever wish to purchase. The results of which are then published with comparison of brands for the buyer to study ad nauseam. Therefore, it is completely befuddling to me that a number of brands of these box type mattresses have all been voted Number One for 2020. The only way this could possibly be true is dodgy advertising or they are all ‘best’ in different ways?…best value for money, best first night’s sleep and so on. Either way, dodgy advertising in my book.

Once you’ve committed yourself this far it’s too late to retreat so, despite an overwhelming list of statistics, that have worn you out with no bed to sleep on, you press on to the decision of the base. Adjustable or fixed, ensemble or wooden, water bed, air bed, enviro-friendly or who-gives-a-rats? You’d think that’d be hard enough, right? Once you’ve agonised over these issues there are even more perplexing questions facing the discerning buyer, depending on which type of mattress and base is eventually decided upon. Cotton or polyester mattress cover? If a wooden base, flat or slats? Drawers or no drawers? How can all these decisions be made in a matter of months, let alone minutes, on a leisurely Saturday morning? No, true to my nature I researched. And researched well. I have allergies to consider, and I care about the environment, so of course I couldn’t rush into this. I wanted the most natural product available. So, after much googling, studying articles, diagrams and customer reviews I hit the shops to start quizzing unsuspecting sales assistants and testing out their merchandise. Might I add, a number of trips were required for this labour of - well, let’s just say, labour. I’m not sure why so many ambitious retailers began so enthusiastically, only to tire of my questions and scurry away to serve another customer. However, after many months all my hard work paid off. One merchant and one mattress triumphed above all others, making me the proud owner of a 100% cotton-topped, rubber mattress with sturdy wooden base, complete with four large drawers. Despite the cost being somewhat higher than most other similar products I was ensured years of comfort on this natural, eco-friendly, well-crafted piece of nocturnal bliss. Delivery could not come fast enough.

Little did I know I would find my comfortable in ways I never expected. In the fortnight I’d waited for my new bed I had become the ungrateful recipient of a severe case of shingles. The day of my new bed’s arrival felt like a gift from heaven. Two burly men lumbered the bed and drawers up my fifteen front stairs and adeptly placed it in my bedroom, my body willing with every nerve fibre for that new mattress, to be on it, and me curled up like an injured animal in a dark cave. I watched longingly as those same burly men wrestled that great behemoth up the stairs and into place. It wibbled and wobbled, bent and bowed in all the wrong places as the guys did their best to hold that live beast rigid, and in line with one another, as they lumped it up every difficult step to the summit of the mountain…my front door.

Ahhhh…bliss, at last! Never have I enjoyed a bed so much as those early days lying in my new cradle of comfort, nursing my pain. The timing was perfect. The enjoyment, short-lived. Perhaps it was good for 12 months, but then it started to sag…right where my hips rest. Was I imagining those indentations as I made the bed each morning? By evening I was sure they’d sprung back, or so I told myself. Was I imagining the increasing back and hip pain? No, no, it must be from the gardening, the heavy shopping I carried, lifting my grandson, and on and on went the excuses, not wanting to believe I’d bought a very expensive lemon. What if it was poor quality? They wouldn’t take it back would they? Of course! They had to, I argued back. I began foolish exercises to test the springability of it. Each morning on making the bed, I’d stand slightly stooped over the mattress and with closed eyes run my hands over its surface from pillow to hip area, then repeat the same procedure on the other side. Uncertain if I was noticing a hole I’d return to the original side and replay the whole annoying business. At last I decided to visit said store only to find the company had disappeared like a bride’s nightie. I searched the internet. It seemed it no longer existed, just like my comfort.

I’d tried sleeping on the other side but no success there either. There was still a dip, which didn’t even prevent me almost rolling out a number of times. Ok I thought, there’s nothing for it but to turn the mattress. Now, mattress-turning for this beast of burden had always been done by my kind, though somewhat reluctant, son. However, where was he now at mattress-turning time, huh? Overseas of course. The lengths he’d gone to get out of it…unbelievable! You might wonder why I couldn’t just phone a friend. Remember the pandemic? Exactly! Think, the only state in Australia with two lockdowns. Think, curfew and banning of visitors. The army knocking on doors with fines and threats of jail-time. You get the picture.

Going crazy at the thought of another torturous night was enough to cause a surge in my womanly testosterone levels. I was sure, with careful manoeuvring, I could find a way. So I set to work. My ingenious plan was to gradually slide it around until the head corner was on the opposite side foot corner, no matter how long it took. But first, all the palaver had to come off...mattress protector, sheepskin overlay, electric blanket untied and unlooped in three places, the cord of which, by the way, had to be unplugged from behind the bedside table and threaded through a hole in the mattress protector made specifically for that purpose…a feat in itself I must say. I was not to be daunted. With an enormous amount of patience, effort, huffing and grunting, I managed that great monster into place. More than a little proud of myself I lay down to try it out. Whaaaat??? No different on that side. Still soft and spongy. I thought it had sprung back by not lying on it for a few months, but nooo!

This couldn’t possibly be the result of all my strenuous efforts. I tried lying on all four corners, a number of times. Alas, they were all pretty much the same and my back was now aching like a goat in labour with twins. Holding back frustration, tears and much swearing, I knew there was nothing I could do but grin and bear it until lockdown was over. I would then purchase a new mattress. No research. An inner spring this time, from a reputable bedding store like Captain Blink. I wouldn’t be comparing stores or mattresses. I would only consult the Mattress-Masters, Diane and Cheryl.

With no joy for my travail, I now had to face the irritating task of putting all the flamin’ stuff back on the bed. The electric blanket had to be re-threaded and its rope re-tied, in three places. Pushing them through from one side to the other with arms too short to be useful for any damn thing! I breathed. I self-soothed. This expedition was not going to get the better of me. I clambered up on top of the mattress and with all the strength these withered aged muscles could garner, I rolled the mattress up like a burrito far enough to pull the cords across. Success at last. Next...on with the sheepskin cover. Next...the mattress protector. Two sheets, doona and bedspread (panting by now), followed finally by pillow protectors and pillow cases. Phew!!

I felt I’d done a work-out with Muhammed Ali and by this time the day was gone. Hours had passed. The room was now dark. I mean black. As I turned to drag my exhausted, very frail frame from the room, as one surviving battle, I tripped over the flippin’ box that normally sits at the end of my bed. Might I say, in CAPITALS, pulled out previously so I could turn the freakin’ mattress!

Skinned knees. Shins. Elbows. Stubbed toes. And now a burning back!

That night I licked my wounds and retreated to the discomfort of my rubber enemy. I had nowhere else to go. I wilted into its conquering crevices, beginning to believe it had a life of its own. Whatever evil was afoot, I quietly planned my escape strategy. I bided my time, secretly conspired with Cheryl and plotted my course of action. Once a break came in the lockdown restrictions I made a run for it. Armed with the brand and model of her mattress I raced to the store, silenced the salesman with a raised arm and flick of my hand and tried the three versions - firm, medium, soft. Like goldilocks and her porridge, the last was ‘just right’. Transported into a dreamlike state the decision was made. How soon can you deliver? I proudly asked with the hint of a smile. I was a changed woman. I was one who could make fast decisions without regrets. All that was left was to rid myself of my adversary and shake off the dust with a brush of my hands.

Thankfully time and that particular bad memory have now moved on, taking the BEAST along with them. I can happily announce I am now the proud owner of a Luxuria Delight and have at last found my comfortable. Captain Blink even gave me the name of a mattress-recycler who would come to my home and collect the old mattress. I had never heard of such things. They explained how the entire mattress is disassembled and re-purposed into pet bedding. Imagine! Getting rid of my nemesis and having it recycled as well, seemed too good to be true.

I excitedly rang the Recycler to arrange collection. “I’m sorry Luv!“, he announced as blood began pounding in my brain. “We take all types of mattresses except rubber ones. No one will touch ‘em. Apparently it’s something to do with allergies.“