Many writers have shared their thoughts with the public:

"There is something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You never quite know where they'll take you." - Beatrix Potter

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." - Anaïs Nin

"Sharing your writing, being enlarged by others' writing, is what makes you feel famous." - Gretchen Bernabei

"Writing is not an amusing occupation. It is a combination of ditch-digging, mountain-climbing, treadmill and childbirth." - Edna Ferber

"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing." - Ben Franklin

"One must be drenched in words, literally soaked in them, to have the right ones to form themselves into the proper pattern at the right moment." - Hart Crane

"There are three rules for writing. Unfortunately, no one can agree what they are." - W. Somerset Maugham

The Tortoise and the Hare

Once upon an exceedingly long time ago there was a tortoise and a hare. Tortoise, like all members of the family Testudinidae, was hard-shelled, cumbersome and partial to cucumbers. Hare, in common with fellow Leporidae, preferred carrots supplemented with a generous sprinkling of his own droppings. Unlike Tortoise he could run like the wind and hated foxes!

Contrary to time-honoured opinion, Hare was no braggart. He was reserved by nature with a composed countenance unless he saw a fox, in which case he would go completely berserk – especially in the month of March. Generally however, he was kind, thoughtful and caring to the point of sacrifice. Indeed, he devoted not only his time but also his emotional energy to the causes of others less fortunate than himself.

If somebody needed an errand running Hare would assume the role of runner and if they required shelter Hare would avail his sofa on the instant. For the hungry, Hare would present freshly chopped carrots on pristine bone china plates. Thankfully, his sense of grace constrained his urge to add a scattering of his own droppings. These he kept for himself in a green bucket labelled ‘For Recycling.’

Tortoise, by contrast, was impolite and unpleasant company. He was, unsurprisingly, habitually late and never offered apologies for his tardiness. Apart from his rebarbative inclinations he was also extremely selfish and the sleuth of cucumbers growing in his garden was never offered, via commerce or charity, to anyone other than himself. Tortoise would literally eat the lot - admittedly, very slowly.

Cucumbers are 97% water. Consequently, eating an abundance of cucumber exacted a great strain upon Tortoise’s bladder, necessitating numerous trips to the loo where he would sometimes pee non-stop for eight minutes! This often added further to his lateness. To compound matters, consuming cucumbers gave Tortoise tremendous flatulence and this had an immediate and detrimental effect upon his popularity.

“What kept you, Stinky?!” the other animals would shout. “Late for a game of ping PONG?” During Halloween they’d yell, “Be nice to Tortoise or he’ll cast a SMELL on us!” Then, adding further to Tortoise’s humiliation, they’d point at him and roll over laughing.

One secretive graffiti artist rather unkindly painted, in the dead of night, an enormous mural featuring Tortoise posed like Rodin’s Thinker but renamed it The Stinker - and demonstrating an astonishingly prophetic touch, signed it Banksy.

Of course, Hare was too considerate to play any part in another’s ridicule. On the contrary, he made efforts to convert Tortoise to eating more healthily by offering him carrots, peas, potatoes, even some soporific lettuces, allegedly straight from Mr. McGregor’s garden, donated by one of Hare’s mischievous cousins, a rabbit called Peter. But Hare’s efforts could do nothing to draw Tortoise away from his precious cucumbers.

After years of failure and close to the point of surrender, Hare understood a new approach was required. He needed an ingenious plan. A plan so clever and cunning you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel. You might think he meant fox rather than weasel, for foxes are clever and most cunning, plus they possess magnificently bushy tails - but you’d be wrong. You will have forgotten that Hare’s evilest enemy; his nightmare of nightmares; his nastiest nemesis; his fiercest foe; his scurrilous scourge; his archaic antagonist; his beastliest bête noire and tyrannical tormentor was and is and will always be a fiendish FOX! Thus, Hare refused to countenance associating his peerless proposition with the name of his most abominable adversary. So weasel-like plan it became.

Hare, oblivious to the irony, posed like Rodin’s Thinker for an hour. Taking a crisp, white sheet of paper and armed with one of six sharp HB pencils he wrote in bold letters: HARE’S MOST BRILLIANT WEASEL-LIKE PLAN! Then he proceeded to scratch out the contents of his ‘most brilliant weasel-like plan’ with a fervour reserved for the nerdiest of schoolkids. As each pencil wore down it was quickly replaced by another until that too had been used to the point of bluntness. Here is what he wrote:

HARE’S MOST BRILLIANT WEASEL-LIKE PLAN!

Problem: Tortoise’s low self-esteem and unpopularity.

Causes: Tortoise’s addiction to the consumption of cucumbers leading to serial tardiness, problematic waterworks and severe flatulence.

Resolution: End Tortoise’s dependence on cucumbers and therefore cure his flatulence and numerous toilet visits and thereby improve his time keeping, ultimately leading him to increase his selfesteem, his popularity and quality of life. Give him a sense of pride and the respect of others!

Execution: Challenge Tortoise to a race that everyone knows he can’t possibly win but contrive proceedings so Tortoise takes victory. This astonishing result will immediately raise his standing and gain Tortoise respect amongst those who currently denigrate him. The elevated self-esteem should be sufficient to cease Tortoise’s comfort eating and end his compulsive consumption of cucumbers. His lateness should immediately improve as his frequent loo visits will end, as will the correlating bouts of flatulence – which are currently so odorous and voluminous the local council is considering issuing a no-go zone of thirty metres from Tortoise’s bottom, including a ban on all naked flames.

Threats: I may have to pretend to be a braggart to goad Tortoise into accepting the challenge and thereafter suffer even greater belittlement as a result of Tortoise’s astounding victory. This assault on my reputation and legacy may well last until the end of time – or even longer!

The success of Hare’s Most Brilliant Weasel-like Plan is selfevident. We are now all familiar with the tale of a bumptious hare bragging about his speed and challenging a quiet, humble tortoise to a race which, against all expectations, the tortoise wins. There is no mention, in any of the variations of this ancient tale, of Tortoise’s lack of manners; his addiction to cucumbers; his excessive selfishness; his frequent need to urinate or his stultifying bouts of flatulence. Neither is there even a hint regarding Hare’s kindly nature and general munificence.

Hare’s brilliant idea was executed so flawlessly we now think of HIM as being the pompous braggart who got his comeuppance - a classic validation of karma at work. And if Hare was still with us he would hope it remain so, for he was selfless and always put others before himself. Hare would not have minded that his reputation was besmirched for it gave rise to the ascendency of a once unhappy tortoise tainted with low selfesteem and a lack of popularity, into one admired, loved and respected by children across the globe.

Hare’s dazzling plan worked so perfectly, his deliberate engineering of the outcome has remained unknown. Indeed, if his original handwritten plan hadn’t been fortuitously discovered in the county of Hampshire, England, sealed in a vase and buried under a mound called Watership Down, his part in the subterfuge might well have remained, as Hare intended, unknown until the end of time…or even longer!

Incidentally, there is ONE aspect of the original ‘most brilliant weasel-like plan’ that has never been secret. Regardless of how fast or slow tortoises can run and whether they’re capable of winning any foot race, it is no secret that hares have always and will always hate foxes.